Diary

Despair

Continuation..

In a blink of an eye, the place changes, a place I have never been before, I don’t know where this is. It feels like home but it’s not. My friends are not here with me, where are they? As I walk around I heard someone talking. No, more like two, slowly walking towards the light coming from a room. There’s three girls talking, talking specifically about me. It hurts, confusing, and painful as well. How shitty it is for them to talk like that, I don’t know what or why. Moreover I don’t even know them, again it feels like they are my friends but it’s not, but. Laughter is all I heard afterwards. “Stop it!” I fucking scream again and again, but nothing stopping them for stating, painting me into the color which does not fit me well. Not mine; itโ€™s not even me. Making a fuss over something I did, which I didn’t. “It’s obviously you, who else?” ย I don’t understand, keep questioning why in my head or what exactly. Slowly I back away from them, and run the hell out of that circle.

 

And I bumped into someone – my mother. I’m happy to see her, so does she. Out of nowhere the girls were right there, behind me, and start talking, laughing again until the face changes dull. My mother’s face. The kind that tears me up, breaks me, hold me down and itโ€™s dark, dark enough. The kind that you know where trust is not there anymore. All should know it’s everything, hard to gain and easy to break within seconds. That it affects friendships, relationships as well as family. Most hurtful it is, to know someone dear to you doesn’t trust you.ย As much as you do.

 

I tried to explain, I tried to convince and everything nothing works and I see her face, it is so ugh, as I stated. Again I keep questioning why, what, where or who the fuck or what even the fuck is going on. It seems real, but it doesn’t but it does too. All eyes on me, looking at me, but down. It’s getting dark, the place, and me.

 

I don’t know

 

Why

 

But, what else should I do

 

I can’t explain, I can’t even talk to them, or let them listen

 

I give up,

 

I’m giving up.

 

The only thing I see, now, right now is the light from a window. Not hope.

Despair.

 

So I jump, out and died.

 

But I woke up with tears on my cheeks. It was just a dream, but I know itโ€™s not a dream, the mix of warning and past.

 

Have faith in me, trust me, follow me, through sunshines and thunderstorm. I’ll do the same, but one or some will always betrays you in between, or in the end.

Just close your eyes.

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