One of the four stages of burnout is Physical, Mental and Emotional Exhaustion. Which what I am currently feeling right now.
I have been writing notes for my exam, despite how I already made notes for each one of my modules before semester break. I still have the tendency of rewriting a summary of another summary of the module, which helps me with further understanding of what I have learned instead of “memorizing”. By writing and sitting at the same position in my room for hours makes me realized that my shoulders hurt more than my fingers. I’ve ignored the pain and proceed in writing until its done. The fact that I also have to clean my room constantly because I am currently living with my five cats. The cleaning bits takes up my energy of carrying things, note that I’m around 153 cm in height probably the shortest amongst my friends, forcing myself to carry heavy things really affect me.
I have always been the kind of person that thinks “no worries you can do this“, “it’s hard now but you can eventually figure things out“, “you need to understand their position at that moment and their feelings“, whatever positive quotes that forces me to feel okay, think that I will be okay, pushing negative things away which basically bottle things up. That I know I am being unfair to myself but the guilt of I need to be stronger for others, someone who people can rely on and someone who shows non-existing emotions. To mentally force myself to “fake it till you make it” is tiring, yet I am so used to it wondering when can it be okay for me not to feel okay. I am afraid of feeling so down or so sad that the thoughts of no one will be there, it triggers me to suck it up, despite how some people would actually be there for me now. The thoughts on the expectation of being the eldest, being a student, an entrepreneur, soon to graduate, what kind of individual would I be after I’m done with Uni?
I can’t share my feelings, not fully. I will get cut off by “No I had it worst” and the conversation goes on to talking to oneself instead of listening to what I wanted to say. I don’t like the idea of being the last person to “talk” to just because your friends were not around, I hate my personality of I’ll be there for you anyway despite knowing someone just needs a person to talk to and ditch the hell out afterward. The feelings of disappointment, jealousy, madness, fears, upsets and all that I have to just take a key and lock the “just let it be” storage in my head. Feelings make me weak and vulnerable, yet without it it makes me look like I don’t have any human emotions nor I have the right to feel that way anyway.
Sorry that it’s not really a positive post in so long, but why life has its own ups and downs and these are my downs side.