Here’s to the topic of what’s next, I’m sort of almost done with University – only a few months until graduation. Starting off with the opening of “I can’t say no” kind of person. I had to let go what I want, what I really do believe that I like – and had to say yes to whatever the words came out of my parent’s mouth.
Being the eldest, everything had to be perfect they said, how you dress, how you talk and how you behave, as well as how you look like. I hated whenever anyone would say “I want to be you” or some sort of sentences that indicated them wanting to live my life. I would reply with “hahaha are you sure about that”
Living with high expectation every day is tiring both mentally and physically. I was always expected to get that number one spot in class but I would end up to be either 7th or 5th, which isn’t bad. But I did manage to get in number 1 in class, but it wasn’t enough because it was not 95-100% in overall marks. My marks literally determine my worth. One of my relatives said that “to have a pretty face but not well educated is a waste“, I mean who on earth would say that to a 14 years old teenage girl who was so confused with the education system and family expectation as if it’s the end of the world.
They love to complain when I’m at the edge of “not failing” but also giving me their eyes of dissatisfaction when they see me surviving.
Going through O’Level, A’Level and University are mostly according to a person says it’s the right thing to do, I don’t have any choice, it had to be Business related. Despite I am more into computer or art and performance. (Yes, back then doing art and performance was so not in the list of being accepted by the society, unlike today it’s acceptable and more versatile). I didn’t hate studying Business, I do enjoy studying anyway – just sometimes it hunts me doing something that I’m forced to – if I failed I will fail not only my future but also my family’s name. THAT BURDEN HAHAHA. I just have to put up a face and learn what I can.
With those knowledge, support, and experience that I get to do 3 businesses. Which I enjoyed designing, sharing stories and making DIY packages for my customers which HEY THERE’S ART ON THAT! But of course, the expectation increases – to be financially independent. I really don’t mind by this point. Lot’s of different people from different circles breaks me as a human being into a soulless void that has to say yes to everything.
I don’t want to be that rebellious child, I don’t want people to not like me if I say no. All of these years of pleasing people – I’m losing myself in the process. I didn’t know who or what am I or am I even a person to begin with.
Until 2 years ago I started to say no. It was the best thing I have ever done to myself. I’ve accomplished something that was unimaginable, I met the most amazing, supportive and lovable boyfriend, with my saltiness I meet a group of friends that accept me for who I am not what I am. I said no to my parents too – not in an angry tone or anything – If I don’t want to do something so that’s on me.
I know that some people want me to be “TOO PERFECT” or the “BETTER VERSION” of them, but it’s my life to live with – I’m going to live me as me for the rest of my life. I’m not a player for you to “reset” your mistakes while I can never make any mistake which I learn nothing from. I get that, but I’m a human being too – never once back then, ever considered how I felt of the expectation and pressure – I can’t be sad, mad or stress. Just because you think that you’ve been there and felt “MORE” stress, sad and mad that I don’t deserve to have any emotions to share with?
Honestly, it’s true that everyone has their own stories – painful ones – don’t say that you have it the worst – others do too – pain is still a pain in any other form it’s still pain – hence no point of comparing.
Sharing some part of me that is not to filter all of those happy Instagram post and stories. I don’t like it or despise people who would assume I get it all – I don’t. I mostly work for it.
So, what’s next for ‘Yumie’