Diary · Self Development

I have PTSD

I thought that it was fine to not have that many friends. I attended a talk that the question asks to list down 5-7 friends, which it was not really as pleasing emotions that come up in mind. Looking down to my notebook, I have listed down only three of my closest friends.


What I kept telling myself is that I do not need way too many friends because they will end up eating your personality and turning you into someone else, friends can hurt you even if they thought that it’s just a joke or that they didn’t mean it. I have been in the friendship that consists of three and it will always not work out, either they’re toxic to me or the other way around. I tend to be the one that walks away without an explanation, and I’m fine with it.

I’ve been in a group of friends that they’re intentions are mainly just to have fun, while in me that I have other things to think of. Mostly, not on the same page at all. Through whatever the scars people have pointed out to me with their knives, I realized that it’s a trauma. Being bullied is one, the words that come out of everyone’s mouth still stays in my head, being hurt is another one that makes me feel even more numb for every betrayal or hurtful comments.

I hate it when people force me to have more friends, I hate it when people force me to talk with someone that clearly makes me feel uncomfortable, I hate it when people assume “I can do it, so can you” I mean no shit right. No, no is still a huge ass no.

I have my own pace, I have my own interest, I have my own decision to who I want to be friends or talk to. Yet if I voiced it out it sounded like that I’m “Ego” or “Selfish” but in reality, it’s just a traumatic experience and in a self-defense mode.

Oh right, PTSD is friendship post-traumatic stress disorder. It doesn’t seem to make any sense to others, but it is to me. I do not have any strong memories on good things from my childhood until high school which is for more than a decade, only the bad ones that always hunt me back despite how hard I want to forget it. Even my own memory forgot some friends and memories that we’re nice to me.

 


All of  that, I’m trying to be careful to find the friends that are not always there, yet understand one another, that each one of us is busy with our own lives and it’s fine because once we’re back, it still feels like home to one another. And I am happy to know that I have 3 people that are close despite that we’re far (a bit).

And really thankful for them, you know who you are.

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