Diary · healing journey

On and Off

It seems like I only come back when I feel the need to write or when I feel the need to share. I have not been in the right place and space for the past months and so many things going on that I can not process them well, or I did and just let things be. 2022, was supposed to be the year of healing for me, a year that I get to know myself. I guess it hits hard when you try to heal from your past and the universe really slaps you in the face. I was tested in ways that made me overthink my decision, it made me see how love is more within the circle, and it shows so much more than I thought. I might thank my painful past that has taught me to kill my own heart, then show me kindness that melts it right back.

For the month of July, I feels so many emotions that triggers my trauma and increase my anxiety. Yet I have to be brave and stay strong. Have I not been doing that for most of my life? Be brave, be strong. Create as much alter ego, masking myself, hiding my frustration and other negative emotions so that I can be seen as “normal”. I’m not used to pleasing people that I don’t understand my own emotions and needs. It’s been weeks that I feel “empty”. I’m not sure why or how to solve this problem. Do I need to cry to feel something? Do I need to talk to let things go? but I don’t have anything to talk about anymore. Probably I’m so used to people shifting the topic to themselves instead of listening and I just shut down. My feelings are not valid nor are my trauma so I keep shutting it down. I feel that I really want people to listen but it’s too late now I feel numb.

Self-healing might be the most affordable thing I can do other than therapy, but I have to be consistently able to fight myself from overthinking. Let’s hope I can.

Until then,

Y

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